Do I really have the strength?
by katerinaaqu
Summary: Taking place within the Conqueror of Shamballa Movie plot. Noah feels uncertain if it is the right thing to do, to read Edward's thoughts and read his Alchemical knoledge and Edward is drowning within his mixed emotions after meeting Al's soul in the armor and decides to have a drink to calm himself. Mixed Edward and Noah POV. Please review!


**Noah's POV**

I am standing alone in the rode… They have told me to do this…I guess I cannot refuse any longer… They promised me land… They promised me home… When they came at me I was afraid…I was afraid that they would hurt me…but they only wanted to tell me this "deal". However it gave me bittersweet feelings. I feel joy that my dream will be fulfilled. However…Edward…Ed treated me like no one has ever treated me. He actually was there for me and he stood out for me. Can I really betray him this way? Is it actually betrayal? I don't know. However I feel like betraying him. I feel like betraying the trust he showed me. I feel like proving the words of all those people calling us "thieves" and "stealers"

Because that is exactly what I am going to do… I am going to steal…and maybe something more precious than just money… They asked me to steal his memories…his knowledge…his own hidden feelings! I lean back against the wall taking a deep breath.

"Can I really do it?" I think, "Can I really betray him this way…?"

However my heart is still flattering at their wonderful words… Home… How sweet this word is sounding in my mind… However…I can also recall his face… That gentle face of his full with sadness and happiness at the same time…

How can he do that?

He told us that he had seen his brother. And he seemed happy about it. So happy… However his eyes were full of sadness and hidden feelings I couldn't read from afar… Later that day I saw him coming in the kitchen when I was cleaning.

"Oh. Sorry…" he told me

"It's your home. I should be apologizing" I had replied.

I saw him. He looked devastated…

"I just…wanted to get a drink… I didn't know I'd find you here."

"Oh." I had said, "I can bring one to you. You might need rest…"

I saw him smiling a really sad smile.

"You might be right…" he told me, "If you do that…"

"I have nothing to do…" I replied in a low voice"

"Thank you…that would be a great help…" he said in a low voice and started walking out of the kitchen

"What would you like to have?" I asked before he left completely

He stopped at the door. He seemed to be thinking

"Some cognac would be fine…" he finally said

I nodded my head.

"I'll be right there"

"Thank you…"

And he left the room… I sighed alone. I remember he had brought something with him the night before… I hadn't seen it well, however it seemed like a metallic object. I walked to the small bar and took one bottle of cognac, like he asked. He seemed really to need it. I took a glass and put some ice in it. I then put them all in a disc and started walking up in the stairway… I found him in his room…lieing on the bed staring at the ceiling. He seemed in deep thought. I left the disc on his desk…right next to that object he had brought in. It was a head of armor… It was terribly similar to…the one I had seen in his memories when I first touched him… And then we talked… And what we said wasn't something happy. He told me about a war that was coming… But he also told me…that he was glad to see his brother…

"I thought I had failed"

That's what he said… He was afraid that he wouldn't be able to bring him back… And then… Then it was when Alphonse came in…

* * *

**Edward's POV**

We were talking with Noah… I trusted her…from the very first time I trusted her…not only because she resembles me of Rose but also because the first thing she told me was:

"You're like me… You have no home…"

I had burnt my home when I lived in my world…and now…now I feel no home in this world…and I am a drifter, traveling from place to place. There is no way she could know that unless her power was real. That's why I believed her. And then she told me…she told me that an armor was there with me… I had told no one about Al… No one… But she knew… Then I was convinced that she had told me the truth… However…after my reunion with Al… I was so desperate… When I saw him shaking, his soul leaving that armor…I was almost begging him to stay with me. I didn't want to be alone anymore… And when he left…I really felt as if my world had collapsed. To add more to that, that damn King-Bradley-Like man gave me information for an upcoming war. I know that it had nothing to do with me but still…the weapon was not unknown to me… That bomb…

Ugh! There was no point in thinking about that. However I felt that I had to do something. And…at the same time…I never felt less willing to do so in my heart. My mind and body was telling me to run after whoever bastard wanted to make such thing…but my heart felt heavy and it was telling me to go after my brother…to find a way to go to the Gate and find him… When I returned back home…the only thing I needed was to have a hot bath or a drink…maybe that would help me calm a little… Noah was there and helped me… And then we talked a little more. I told her about my mixed emotions. I was glad that I finally met my brother…that I was afraid I had failed… That I was in a dilemma… If I opened the Gate…I could go back home…back to my brother…back to all my friends and loved ones… However if I indeed opened it then…all those who wanted war…they would have it!

Yes…I told her that… I truly feel, I can trust this woman… And then…it was when…the door opened and Alphonse came in…

Alphonse…you were coughing like you were doing really often nowadays… I immediately stood up and called at you! I told you not to build that rocket for them! However you kept on packing your suitcase… And then you went down…and when I tried to stop you… you pushed me away violently as if I had deadly insulted you…and then…you coughed again…and this time…when I looked at the hand you had used to cover your mouth with…I saw blood…

When I saw the blood I felt land leaving under my feet! How could I be so blind?! You were sick all this time...and I hadn't noticed! You were giving your own struggle when I was…I was lost in my thoughts of getting back to my world that I never noticed you were suffering too! That moment I felt like I was back at my 12 years of age…when I made that deadly mistake to try to bring my mother back…when I dragged along my little brother and my brother after that was suffering because of me… He was blaming himself for something it was my fault! Yes…that small amount of blood that came out of your lungs caused me so many feelings I could hardly control…as if I was the one who put that disease inside you with my bare hands! You then looked at me and told me you are running out of time…and that you wanted to leave a clue of your existence behind you, no matter what… And then…you left running…out of the door… Like my brother had left running from that hospital… I would have run after you…but Noah stopped me… But I know that the burden in my heart was too much…to bear it alone…but I would never tell her that…I would never place such burden on her shoulders too…

"Ed…?" I heard her whispering to me

"I'm going to my room" I had said plainly and walked away…

I climbed the stairs as if I was not really realizing my steps. I went to my room and closed the door behind me. Then I leaned against it and sighed deeply… I let myself slip down till I sat on the floor… I cupped my face with my hand.

"Alphonse…" I whispered to myself.

I might know that you are not my brother, Alphonse, no matter how much you resemble him… I might never have called you "Al" like I called my brother because I would feel like I had betrayed him if I did so. However I felt close to you. We studied rocketry together and we made dreams together… My dreams might be different than yours but still… And yet I never realized how sick you were. I used to spend even twenty-four hours a day with you and still I hadn't noticed… I didn't see it! How could I be so blind…? So clueless…? How could I leave you suffering on your own?

I sighed and stood up again. I walked to the desk where Noah had left the bottle and the glass. I took the bottle and poured some cognac in the glass. Then I looked at the armor head. I sighed again as I placed the bottle back down and held the glass.

"I'm sorry…Alphonse… Al… I am sorry…" I whispered to myself again and took a sip from my drink

To tell the truth I almost drank half of it at once. I felt the warmth of alcohol running down my throat and my stomach. I sighed again as I looked at the papers and books on my desks… My plans… Mine and Alphonse's plans… I wanted to reach home…but he…he was hoping to get some recognition so he would die happy! Dammit all! He was thinking of his death all this time! That's why he was so determined? That's why he wanted to live every day to its fullest? Because he was expecting to die? I drank the other half of my drink and then poured some more.

I had faced death many times…since the day I was 12 years old when someone tried to kill me…and many times after that… However every time I was afraid to die… I grabbed life like a desperate, drowning man grabs a piece of wood on the waves… How can he, then? How can he expect his death and yet…saying nothing?! I took another sip and I realized that I drank it all in one sip this time… It made me slightly dizzy already. I haven't eaten this evening… And then I remember…I remember the calmness I felt when I faced Scar for the second time…because in front of my brother's safety…mine seemed nothing at all… But also I remembered my mother's smile… She was suffering too…and still I hadn't noticed anything…

I clenched my teeth and took another drink…

"Do I really have the strength to help people? Or whatever I do leads to catastrophe?" I thought

I remembered Lior…Ishbal… I remembered Rose and the baby she got when so many men raped her…I remembered all the trouble I caused to my closed ones… Maes Hughes's murder… And EVERYTHING had to do with me…

"Do I really…have the strength…?" I whispered my thought aloud…

After a couple of more drinks I felt my head seriously spinning. I know I am not drunk but at least very tipsy. My head spins but not only from alcohol… There are so many doubts…so many things I need to think…and decide… I finally come to the conclusion to go and sleep. I leave my half-finished glass at the desk close to the bottle and close to the helmet… I look at it and smile a small smile as I feel a tear running down my cheek.

"I haven't grown up at all, Al…" I whispered to the helmet, "I am still a kid… You were right…I only know…how to cause trouble…"

It was my rare moments of loud self-criticism but I knew I could tell anything to my brother… I mentally laughed at myself. My brother was no longer here…I was alone…and soon…soon the only person I had closest to a real friend would die from that disease and I hadn't even noticed… I slowly staggered softly and laid on my bed… My eyelids felt heavy… I hadn't even time to change my clothes… My eyes were closing.

"Al…please…do not…open…"

I whispered… And my mind passed from this world, to the world of sleep…

* * *

**Noah's POV**

I was watching all that time… Even if Edward hadn't hear me, I had followed him upstairs…and I saw him closing the door… I remained outside his door for a little… Later I found the courage to open the door a little and I saw him drinking… He seemed devastated… I could understand how he felt… He had things in his mind…and I had too… When I saw him like that…I was thinking…do I really have the strength to…to do such thing to him…? To betray him…? But the promise…was so… But…how can I? How can I break you more than…than you are already, Edward? I slowly…really slowly closed the door and walked away from it…so he wouldn't hear me and I went to the room they gave me… There I cried…

* * *

And now here I am…standing outside the door with my doubts… I am wearing only my white nightgown but I do not feel cold…just…uncertain… No, I had told to myself. I can't do it. But then I remember…how much you love your hometown… Hometown…I never had one… I sigh. After all…Edward, you once had let me touch you again right? You asked me if I had something else to see from you, right? I won't hurt you so much right? I clench my nightgown at the spot my heart is.

"Forgive me, Edward…but I am a human after all…just a weak female…" I think

When I reached his room again, I didn't realize it. I hadn't realized my steps climbing the stairs. I soundlessly open the door. And there I see him…in the dim light…sleeping on his back on his bed… He looks so peaceful…so…so beautiful when he is sleeping… I smile softly and I start approach.

"Take me with you Edward…to that beautiful home of yours…" I think

I approach him…I sit at the edge of his bed… I hesitate only for a small second…

…And I lean over him…

* * *

**The small one-shot I made! It was inspired by the Fullmetal Alchemist The Movie: Conqueror of Shamballa**

**This story is supposed to take place a little after the 58:20 minutes of the movie till the 61:30 moment**

_**Spoiler Alert!**_

**Noah was caught by some soldiers that promised her to give her a place to belong but in exchange they want her to use her power and see all the Alchemy insformation in Edward's head.**

**Edward has already met Alphonse's soul, but the spell that bound his soul to an armor didn't last long, leaving Edward with happiness that he sucseeded saving him but also despair that he is alone again. Also he has just met "Mabuse" that told him about the war and that shook him up a little. Last but not least, he finds out about Alphonse's (his friend NOT borther) disease and that is the final hit to him...**

**The story involves the feelings of doubt Noah feels and the mixed emotions inside Edward...**

**I hope you liked it! Please review me!**

**Enjoy!**


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